her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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