bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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