I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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