Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
