If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
