I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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