believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
