my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
a search helicopter?!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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