Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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