It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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