Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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