I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
