Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
