Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
