It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
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We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
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I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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