I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
