I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
