wrigley field is MILF paradise
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
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