I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
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Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
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This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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