One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
