I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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