He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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