hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
