theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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