Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize