i need an iv and a liver transplant
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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