I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
