Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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