Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
