I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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