The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
