she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
