i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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