Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
