My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
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Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
there is glitter all over my balls
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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