No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
