Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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