they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
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Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
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Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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