Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I smell like Dick and happiness
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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