genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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