I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
