I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
