I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
That reminds me...we need to get swords
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
