when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
