Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
