You just made me feel so damn special
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
