I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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