It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm sobbing to NWA
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
