I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
