Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
