I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The uberlube is also flammable
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
