Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize