Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
