Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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